I had an "ah hah!" moment today. Allow me to share. I have recently pondered the meaning of the words love, complement, and commitment. I have observed relationships and even been interested in a few fellows. I always thought that having a lot of similarities was a good thing. We could relate and have shared interests. There was less room for conflict. Life could be good. Yet, one needs a complement for we are not perfect. I looked up complement on the web and discovered an eye opening definition on wikepedia. "In many different fields, the complement of X is something that together with X makes a complete whole, something that supplies what X lacks." Ah hah! Differences are good and good communication makes those differences better because one can work through the differences. Maybe it is not eye opening to you, but it helps me bring things into perspective.
Another thought came to mind in regards to love. Love is an action not a feeling. I have heard this before, but maybe it is both. One needs to feel an interest to act out the love. One needs an interest to make the commitment to love. Emotions may come and go, but the choice to act in love can remain. Happiness or interest should not be the biggest indication of love. I shall continue to ponder.
I stumbled across a quote from my pastor - "It's not what I do that determines who I am. It's who I am that determines what I do." - Keith Devine. It is good to be reminded to focus on my being rather than my actions. My being, my relationship with God, and my relationship with others are very important. Everything else should follow. I sense some more time of stretching and growth ahead. I say - bring it on!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
"Have You Not God?"
This quote I read today in Andrew Murray's book Waiting on God. The words speak to me today. First, I want to copy a few paragraphs and allow the passage to speak to you before I share more thoughts.
"I do not know if it will be possible for me to put into a few words the chief things we need to learn. But, what I want to say is this: The great lack of our faith is that we do not know God. The answer to every complaint of feebleness and failure, the message to every congregation or convention seeking instruction on holiness, ought to simply be, What is the matter: Have you not God? If you really believe in God, He will make everything all right. God is willing and able by His Holy Spirit. Cease from expecting the least good from yourself, or at least help from anything there is in man. Just yield yourself unreservedly to God to work in you. He will do all for you" (Forward).
"God cannot part with His grace or goodness or strength as an external thing that He gives us, as He gives the raindrops from heaven. No, He can only give it, and we can only enjoy it, as He works it Himself directly and unceasingly. And, the only reason that He does not work it more effectually and continuously is that we do not let Him. We hinder Him either by our indifference or by our self-effort, so that He cannot do what he wants to do.
"What He asks of us, in the way of surrender, obedience, desire, and trust, is all comprised in this one word: waiting on Him, waiting for His salvation. It combines the deep sense of our entire helplessness and our perfect confidence that our God will work all in His divine power" (Chapter 2).
Pretty amazing! How often I need to be reminded of the necessity of surrender. I met with a professor at school about graduate schools today. I realized through his questions how unprepared I am for graduate school. I have no specific area of interest in philosophy, no favorite philosophers, an average academic record, no published papers, few research papers, and little time before application deadlines. I sense God pushing the pause button or closing the door while revealing the open window. The door closing - pursuing a graduate degree in philosophy. The window - studying at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. Why have I studied philosophy, theology, and worldview overseas? Why has God used a professor at the seminary to teach me truths and inspire me to pursue teaching in philosophy? There is no writing sample necessary to apply to the seminary. There is a later deadline for the application. Another option is to work and study philosophy on my own while familiarizing myself with publications in which to publish.
I believe God also reminded me about a visit I had at the seminary. That week God was revealing around every corner the need for me to die to self so that Christ may live. Once again I have taken hold of the reigns and am using my strength to get ahead in life. I know where that will lead me - down an anxiety filled path. I believe that I need to deal with the consequences of past desicions in my schooling and press on while waiting on God.
"I do not know if it will be possible for me to put into a few words the chief things we need to learn. But, what I want to say is this: The great lack of our faith is that we do not know God. The answer to every complaint of feebleness and failure, the message to every congregation or convention seeking instruction on holiness, ought to simply be, What is the matter: Have you not God? If you really believe in God, He will make everything all right. God is willing and able by His Holy Spirit. Cease from expecting the least good from yourself, or at least help from anything there is in man. Just yield yourself unreservedly to God to work in you. He will do all for you" (Forward).
"God cannot part with His grace or goodness or strength as an external thing that He gives us, as He gives the raindrops from heaven. No, He can only give it, and we can only enjoy it, as He works it Himself directly and unceasingly. And, the only reason that He does not work it more effectually and continuously is that we do not let Him. We hinder Him either by our indifference or by our self-effort, so that He cannot do what he wants to do.
"What He asks of us, in the way of surrender, obedience, desire, and trust, is all comprised in this one word: waiting on Him, waiting for His salvation. It combines the deep sense of our entire helplessness and our perfect confidence that our God will work all in His divine power" (Chapter 2).
Pretty amazing! How often I need to be reminded of the necessity of surrender. I met with a professor at school about graduate schools today. I realized through his questions how unprepared I am for graduate school. I have no specific area of interest in philosophy, no favorite philosophers, an average academic record, no published papers, few research papers, and little time before application deadlines. I sense God pushing the pause button or closing the door while revealing the open window. The door closing - pursuing a graduate degree in philosophy. The window - studying at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. Why have I studied philosophy, theology, and worldview overseas? Why has God used a professor at the seminary to teach me truths and inspire me to pursue teaching in philosophy? There is no writing sample necessary to apply to the seminary. There is a later deadline for the application. Another option is to work and study philosophy on my own while familiarizing myself with publications in which to publish.
I believe God also reminded me about a visit I had at the seminary. That week God was revealing around every corner the need for me to die to self so that Christ may live. Once again I have taken hold of the reigns and am using my strength to get ahead in life. I know where that will lead me - down an anxiety filled path. I believe that I need to deal with the consequences of past desicions in my schooling and press on while waiting on God.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
A New Year!
I like to write a journal entry the eve of my birthday. This year I have chosen to post on my blog. I prefer right now to type than to write in my journal. Tomorrow I will be another year older. It is not the same as years past. I do not mind moving forward.
Looking back on the previous year, a lot has changed within me and with my circumstances. I moved from a townhome to a house and now across the street. Last year, I was on medication for anxiety and overwhelmed with my full schedule. Now I have learned to be more realistic, say no sometimes, and I am off of the medicine. This is the real me! I see in the coming year a new adventure. I graduate in the spring with my undergraduate degree with plans to attend graduate school in the fall to study philosophy. I have no idea where I want to be or which place will be the best fit. I will send out many applications and discover in the spring where I am accepted. I see more independence by moving in the summer to a place which is farther from my family. I could have graduated in December, but I decided to wait until the spring for many reasons. I believe that this will give me time to learn some more lessons, embrace some more changes, and experience some more growth before I embark on the next stage of this adventure called life. Thank you for joining me in this journey to the unkown ( at least part of it is unknown).
Looking back on the previous year, a lot has changed within me and with my circumstances. I moved from a townhome to a house and now across the street. Last year, I was on medication for anxiety and overwhelmed with my full schedule. Now I have learned to be more realistic, say no sometimes, and I am off of the medicine. This is the real me! I see in the coming year a new adventure. I graduate in the spring with my undergraduate degree with plans to attend graduate school in the fall to study philosophy. I have no idea where I want to be or which place will be the best fit. I will send out many applications and discover in the spring where I am accepted. I see more independence by moving in the summer to a place which is farther from my family. I could have graduated in December, but I decided to wait until the spring for many reasons. I believe that this will give me time to learn some more lessons, embrace some more changes, and experience some more growth before I embark on the next stage of this adventure called life. Thank you for joining me in this journey to the unkown ( at least part of it is unknown).
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Who Am I Becoming?
I completed a sermon series today on Kairos - Greek for right or opportune moment. Naeem, the pastor of Mosaic church, spoke of Kairos as the moment God intersects our life. The series challenged me at this present moment. There are many college classes demanding my time, the GRE in the near future, and graduate schools to consider. What are my motivations? In the past, I see my motivations greatly along the lines of success and perfectionism. How much could I do while an undergraduate? How many concentrations and honors could be recognized at graduation? After about a year of stress and anxiety, I view life more realistically. The interest of success is still creaping to the surface as I consider Yale. It is a good time to pause and prayerfully consider some questions. Who am I becoming? What am I known for? Who do I want to be? I heard an analogy about people in a bus. God needs to be the driver and I need to be a passenger. Who will I welcome into the bus? Who do I want to be with on this journey? Once I answer the question of who?, I can consider what we will be doing and where we will be going. What am I passionate about consistently? When am I at my best realistically? What can best drive my resource engine practically? Naeem made a statement in one of the sermons. He said, "You and I are the sum of the things we say yes and no to." What am I saying yes and no to? Does it require faith? Will it bring me closer to God?
These thoughts and questions come at a good time. In a week and a half, I will send my GRE scores to graduate schools. What schools will be on that list and why? I have considered going to a seminary for the Master of Divinity with Apologetics. Then I could go to a state university for my PhD in philosophy. Or maybe I will just enroll directly in a PhD. program. I may not be ready for this step and first earn my M.A. in Philosophy. I sense that I am on the edge of a new adventure. I have no idea of where I will be next year. How exciting and how frightening! Thankfully, God is in control and knows the best for me. He knows where I will be able to make a difference and bring Him glory. I sense that God's vision of the future is greater and richer than my limited vision. I am reminded that God's ways are often not man's ways. May I hear God's direction and step out in faith no matter what man may think.
These thoughts and questions come at a good time. In a week and a half, I will send my GRE scores to graduate schools. What schools will be on that list and why? I have considered going to a seminary for the Master of Divinity with Apologetics. Then I could go to a state university for my PhD in philosophy. Or maybe I will just enroll directly in a PhD. program. I may not be ready for this step and first earn my M.A. in Philosophy. I sense that I am on the edge of a new adventure. I have no idea of where I will be next year. How exciting and how frightening! Thankfully, God is in control and knows the best for me. He knows where I will be able to make a difference and bring Him glory. I sense that God's vision of the future is greater and richer than my limited vision. I am reminded that God's ways are often not man's ways. May I hear God's direction and step out in faith no matter what man may think.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Where is the Passion?
Where is the passion?
I pondered this question as I was driving home tonight from epistemology class. This question arose from a program I heard on the radio as well as a conversation with KA today. She believes that I will regret it if I do not complete German to graduate with International Studies. I agree. This necessity to work on German is slowly becoming more urgent in my mind. Currently, my passion is not with German. I have more interest in the Holocaust and even more interest in philosophy. German is on the back burner of priorities. Yet, where is even the passion in these subjects? I so easily become distracted and allow myself to be interested in a variety of things that take up time. I am reminded of a conversation with CS. He challenged me to go all the way. If I am going to do something, I should juice it for all it is worth. If I am going to do something, I should do it. I should do it with passion. Passion needs to be defined. I could look it up in a dictionary, but I prefer to search within myself the meaning that I am using presently. Then I will seek the dictionary. Passion implies not doing something half-heartedly. My whole being is involved in attention, interest, attitude, ambition, discipline, and commitment. I am wiling to do all I need to do until there is nothing left to do. How does this relate to me and my life? I need to study the philosophers with the intent of understanding even if it means reading the text a few times, spending time to discuss ideas with friends or professors, and writing ideas in my own words. I need to carve out time for studying German and completing the assignments even when I am emotionally disinterested. I need to act until my emotions catch up with my actions. I need to keep my eye on the goal of completion as motivation to do the work. More importantly, what does this mean for my relationship with God? Time to do Bible study, pray, and journal is important as a foundation for my focus, ideas, and actions thorughout the day. Journalling online or in a book allows me to process thoughts or activies of the day. It allows me to connect ideas, discover thoughts inside my mind, or reflect on activities.
Where is the passion?
I am unable to answer this question fully tonight. I see a lack of passion and discipline in my life. Simply asking this question is driving me forward. I need to act as if I were passionate until the passion rises up within me. The life of meaning, purpose, and intention was meant to be lived fully. How full is my life? How will I choose to live? I pray that I will choose to live with passion.
I pondered this question as I was driving home tonight from epistemology class. This question arose from a program I heard on the radio as well as a conversation with KA today. She believes that I will regret it if I do not complete German to graduate with International Studies. I agree. This necessity to work on German is slowly becoming more urgent in my mind. Currently, my passion is not with German. I have more interest in the Holocaust and even more interest in philosophy. German is on the back burner of priorities. Yet, where is even the passion in these subjects? I so easily become distracted and allow myself to be interested in a variety of things that take up time. I am reminded of a conversation with CS. He challenged me to go all the way. If I am going to do something, I should juice it for all it is worth. If I am going to do something, I should do it. I should do it with passion. Passion needs to be defined. I could look it up in a dictionary, but I prefer to search within myself the meaning that I am using presently. Then I will seek the dictionary. Passion implies not doing something half-heartedly. My whole being is involved in attention, interest, attitude, ambition, discipline, and commitment. I am wiling to do all I need to do until there is nothing left to do. How does this relate to me and my life? I need to study the philosophers with the intent of understanding even if it means reading the text a few times, spending time to discuss ideas with friends or professors, and writing ideas in my own words. I need to carve out time for studying German and completing the assignments even when I am emotionally disinterested. I need to act until my emotions catch up with my actions. I need to keep my eye on the goal of completion as motivation to do the work. More importantly, what does this mean for my relationship with God? Time to do Bible study, pray, and journal is important as a foundation for my focus, ideas, and actions thorughout the day. Journalling online or in a book allows me to process thoughts or activies of the day. It allows me to connect ideas, discover thoughts inside my mind, or reflect on activities.
Where is the passion?
I am unable to answer this question fully tonight. I see a lack of passion and discipline in my life. Simply asking this question is driving me forward. I need to act as if I were passionate until the passion rises up within me. The life of meaning, purpose, and intention was meant to be lived fully. How full is my life? How will I choose to live? I pray that I will choose to live with passion.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
International Festival
Today was the International Festival at UNC Charlotte. The last time I was at the festival was in 2004. It is very similiar this year. I do not believe that it changes very much every year. I volunteered in the morning and met up with friends in the afternoon. I met many people. One lady was a teacher at a school in France when I was visiting in 2003 and shared at her school. That was four years ago! How amazing is that! Today is the first day that I met her.
Overall, I had a great time. I laughed a lot and enjoyed all the company. It was a great break from a Holocaust thesis paper, philosophy classes, and a senior portfolio. I am finalizing plans to go to Washington, D.C. and Rhode Island soon. I am looking forward to that. I have never visited Washington, D.C. and I do not believe I have ever been in Rhode Island. It has been a while since I have traveled extensively. This is not overseas, but it will be an adventure!
Overall, I had a great time. I laughed a lot and enjoyed all the company. It was a great break from a Holocaust thesis paper, philosophy classes, and a senior portfolio. I am finalizing plans to go to Washington, D.C. and Rhode Island soon. I am looking forward to that. I have never visited Washington, D.C. and I do not believe I have ever been in Rhode Island. It has been a while since I have traveled extensively. This is not overseas, but it will be an adventure!
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Return from a long absence
Hello! Since my last post, I have been a university student pursuing a B.A. in International Studies and Philosophy with a minor in German. I have also continued to work at a jewelry store. I have reunited with old friends and met a lot of great people! I have learned more about myself and grown. Now I am in my last year at UNCC and quite excited about the opportunities that are before me. My mind will dwell on ancient philosophy, the Holocaust, and my last three years at the university. I desire to spend time being, and have my actions be an extension of who I am. Hence, I must recognize who I am and intentionally step out. This new school year brings with it many realizations. I really enjoy philosophy, reading, and spending time in coffee shops. I see a lot of my time spent reading philosophy books while drinking tea or coffee in a coffee shop. I also recognize that I think about many things but do not speak or act on my thoughts. Dusting off the keyboard and updating this blog is an action that is past due. I enjoy freewriting in my journal to remember thoughts and actions as well as communicating with God, my Savior. I am able to focus on my thoughts when I write and discover ideas which were not given space to be free. Welcome all who happen upon these pages. I welcome your comments, critique, and encouragement. I thank you for visiting.
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