A New Year!

I like to write a journal entry the eve of my birthday. This year I have chosen to post on my blog. I prefer right now to type than to write in my journal. Tomorrow I will be another year older. It is not the same as years past. I do not mind moving forward.
Looking back on the previous year, a lot has changed within me and with my circumstances. I moved from a townhome to a house and now across the street. Last year, I was on medication for anxiety and overwhelmed with my full schedule. Now I have learned to be more realistic, say no sometimes, and I am off of the medicine. This is the real me! I see in the coming year a new adventure. I graduate in the spring with my undergraduate degree with plans to attend graduate school in the fall to study philosophy. I have no idea where I want to be or which place will be the best fit. I will send out many applications and discover in the spring where I am accepted. I see more independence by moving in the summer to a place which is farther from my family. I could have graduated in December, but I decided to wait until the spring for many reasons. I believe that this will give me time to learn some more lessons, embrace some more changes, and experience some more growth before I embark on the next stage of this adventure called life. Thank you for joining me in this journey to the unkown ( at least part of it is unknown).

Who Am I Becoming?

I completed a sermon series today on Kairos - Greek for right or opportune moment. Naeem, the pastor of Mosaic church, spoke of Kairos as the moment God intersects our life. The series challenged me at this present moment. There are many college classes demanding my time, the GRE in the near future, and graduate schools to consider. What are my motivations? In the past, I see my motivations greatly along the lines of success and perfectionism. How much could I do while an undergraduate? How many concentrations and honors could be recognized at graduation? After about a year of stress and anxiety, I view life more realistically. The interest of success is still creaping to the surface as I consider Yale. It is a good time to pause and prayerfully consider some questions. Who am I becoming? What am I known for? Who do I want to be? I heard an analogy about people in a bus. God needs to be the driver and I need to be a passenger. Who will I welcome into the bus? Who do I want to be with on this journey? Once I answer the question of who?, I can consider what we will be doing and where we will be going. What am I passionate about consistently? When am I at my best realistically? What can best drive my resource engine practically? Naeem made a statement in one of the sermons. He said, "You and I are the sum of the things we say yes and no to." What am I saying yes and no to? Does it require faith? Will it bring me closer to God?

These thoughts and questions come at a good time. In a week and a half, I will send my GRE scores to graduate schools. What schools will be on that list and why? I have considered going to a seminary for the Master of Divinity with Apologetics. Then I could go to a state university for my PhD in philosophy. Or maybe I will just enroll directly in a PhD. program. I may not be ready for this step and first earn my M.A. in Philosophy. I sense that I am on the edge of a new adventure. I have no idea of where I will be next year. How exciting and how frightening! Thankfully, God is in control and knows the best for me. He knows where I will be able to make a difference and bring Him glory. I sense that God's vision of the future is greater and richer than my limited vision. I am reminded that God's ways are often not man's ways. May I hear God's direction and step out in faith no matter what man may think.

Where is the Passion?

Where is the passion?
I pondered this question as I was driving home tonight from epistemology class. This question arose from a program I heard on the radio as well as a conversation with KA today. She believes that I will regret it if I do not complete German to graduate with International Studies. I agree. This necessity to work on German is slowly becoming more urgent in my mind. Currently, my passion is not with German. I have more interest in the Holocaust and even more interest in philosophy. German is on the back burner of priorities. Yet, where is even the passion in these subjects? I so easily become distracted and allow myself to be interested in a variety of things that take up time. I am reminded of a conversation with CS. He challenged me to go all the way. If I am going to do something, I should juice it for all it is worth. If I am going to do something, I should do it. I should do it with passion. Passion needs to be defined. I could look it up in a dictionary, but I prefer to search within myself the meaning that I am using presently. Then I will seek the dictionary. Passion implies not doing something half-heartedly. My whole being is involved in attention, interest, attitude, ambition, discipline, and commitment. I am wiling to do all I need to do until there is nothing left to do. How does this relate to me and my life? I need to study the philosophers with the intent of understanding even if it means reading the text a few times, spending time to discuss ideas with friends or professors, and writing ideas in my own words. I need to carve out time for studying German and completing the assignments even when I am emotionally disinterested. I need to act until my emotions catch up with my actions. I need to keep my eye on the goal of completion as motivation to do the work. More importantly, what does this mean for my relationship with God? Time to do Bible study, pray, and journal is important as a foundation for my focus, ideas, and actions thorughout the day. Journalling online or in a book allows me to process thoughts or activies of the day. It allows me to connect ideas, discover thoughts inside my mind, or reflect on activities.
Where is the passion?
I am unable to answer this question fully tonight. I see a lack of passion and discipline in my life. Simply asking this question is driving me forward. I need to act as if I were passionate until the passion rises up within me. The life of meaning, purpose, and intention was meant to be lived fully. How full is my life? How will I choose to live? I pray that I will choose to live with passion.